I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
