Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
