yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
