Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
