piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
