I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize