If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
