Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
