how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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