yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
