i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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