Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
