OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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