cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
