We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My cat gives me a boner
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize