Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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