we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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