He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
