Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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