Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
