oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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