Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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