I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
