I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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