Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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