My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
