i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
