Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
