I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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