Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
