Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize