And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
