Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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