don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
