You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
we're so committed to being not committed
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