Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
