Girls should come with a carfax report
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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