Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
