I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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