The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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