So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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