He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
