bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
