Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
