I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
