The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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