so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
