Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
