Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
