My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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