There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
