You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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