You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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