Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
