When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
