I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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