There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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