Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
