I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
