so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
