I met the friendliest cop last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
