one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
